By Maria Sermersheim
Meditatione Ignis
It is so easy to be down on ourselves and to suck the grace out of our own lives. Let’s fight that temptation, and let’s be more open to receiving grace — genuine grace from God, and the derivative grace of gentleness and forgiveness from ourselves and others.
I think this temptation to reject leniency might be especially true in our American work culture, which never really wants us to see an end to our work; there is always more to do or better ways to do it. I realized the subtle strength of this temptation in my own life when I recently started studying for my candidacy exams; I had submitted the first step, the plan of study, two weeks earlier than the official deadline so that I could have a two-week “grace period” to learn how to read and study well for the exams. It was important for me to have this time outside of the official timeline because it meant that I could make mistakes, read slowly and grow into the new routine of full-time, self-directed reading without feeling stressed about losing precious study time in the process of adjusting. And though I was absolutely elated to begin the adjustment process the first day of this grace period, I was already thinking to myself on the second day that I was reading too slowly, that I was getting behind schedule, and that my poor pace did not bode well for a low-stress seven months of studying ahead. Yet this was the grace period! It was specifically for making mistakes and gradually learning the best study routine … and I had the extra time to ensure that I wouldn’t worry about wasting time, as I already was.
Now, this is a very specific example, applied to my life in academia. But with just a little extrapolation, perhaps it can be a good self-examination for each of us in our respective walks of life, so that we do not confuse the pursuit of perfection and efficiency with the pursuit of holiness and lives formed by love.
It seems very human, this enthusiasm to take advantage of something in the abstract, and then the subsequent fear and anxiety to avoid it in the concrete scenario … probably especially when this “something” involves making mistakes. But do we ever truly give ourselves “grace periods,” a time during which there is no penalty? To what extent are we able to be gentle with ourselves and to accept the mistakes and imperfections that accompany any adjustment, as well as life in general? Obviously, God is the only true source of grace, and he doesn’t limit this supply of grace to certain times. God sustains our entire lives with his grace; he is generous and forgiving, kind and merciful, slow to anger. Do we imitate these good attributes of the Lord toward ourselves and others? Or are we more strict and less generous? And what is the good in that? What is the point of being more exacting than God?
My hope is that we may make space in our lives; space without the pressure of perfect efficiency, space dedicated to listening to ourselves and to the voice of the Lord in our lives, space to adapt slowly to the good habits we hope to build. May we be more comfortable with the time that it takes to learn new skills, and may we be more willing to learn peacefully from our mistakes than to lament them immediately. In whatever ways we need to learn and grow, may we accept the Lord’s grace to help us and allow ourselves some grace in the process, too.