By Nicholas Soellner
Special to The Message
There’s a cheeky saying I’ve seen on the internet that reads, “Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. Everyone belongs in the kitchen — The kitchen has food!” No lies detected. Our God-given faculties instinctively recognize that food has a remarkable way of drawing people together. This is why Jesus was eager to dine with those he met and wanted to accompany. As Christians, Jesus expects this accompaniment of others to be part of our task of evangelization. But what does this word even mean?
Accompaniment comes from the Latin word, companionem, meaning literally, “bread fellow” or “messmate,” derived from the Latin com (with, together) and panis, (bread). The term “messmate” wasn’t originally intended to refer to our “mess” of life, but doesn’t it fit all too well? Jesus met people in their mess and loved them there. That’s part of what made him so appealing. Jesus was willing to meet corrupt tax collectors, sex workers, sinners of every size and shape where they were — but he didn’t stay there.
Recall Christ’s words to the woman caught in adultery, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, and sin no more” (John 8:11). For as long as I can remember, this story has been made the model of how to accompany those dealing with any kind of sexual sin, whether they be earnestly struggling for the good or unrepentant. Too quickly, many have emphasized the “sin no more” portion of this command, yet Jesus intentionally says “Go” first! If we remain in the circumstances where we are most inclined to sin, we are setting ourselves up to fail the second part of Jesus’ command. Jesus intentionally calls us from circumstances that create chaos, unrest, and dissatisfaction toward ones of genuine connection, love and growth.
We’ve probably all heard the slogan, “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” But this phrase is unsatisfying. Not because it is necessarily wrong, but because so often we identify “the sin” with our identity: as if we are the sum of our weaknesses and failures. We reject labels like, “Gay Catholics,” not because we don’t acknowledge their experience, but because God compels us to see each person as who he created them to be. Accepting a label creates a sense of inevitability, that we are destined to live according to that label. Because we recognize and form our identities in relation to others, Christian accompaniment should, in large part, be understood as companionship that creates a sense of belonging and frequently reminds all people of their identity as a child of God through our words and deeds. Accompaniment is the virtuous friendship between the extremes of tolerance and condemnation. Accompaniment imitates the Lord’s love, “I have called you by name: you are mine. When you pass through waters, I will be with you; through rivers, you shall not be swept away … Because you are precious in my eyes and honored, and I love you” (Isaiah 43:1-2, 4). Accompaniment also affirms how God sees us, as St. Pope John II once said, “We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of the Father’s love for us and our real capacity to become the image of his Son.”
So what is being asked of us? We often feel overwhelmed by our limitations, especially the limited time we can offer someone else. There is certainly a temptation to assume that everything rides on us. We may think, “No one else knows about this, if I don’t do something, who will?”It might seem counterintuitive, but maintaining boundaries is actually an act of love. If we are using the right boundaries, acting within them is the most loving thing we could do, and a sign that we want what is best for those in our care. This includes recognizing our own limitations and calling for assistance from professionals when there is no more help we can give by ourselves.
In addition to licensed mental health professionals, there are several Catholic organizations, such as Courage and Eden Invitation, which exist to accompany and minister to those experiencing same-sex attraction or distress with their God-given gender. When we have done all we reasonably can, we also must remember that God is a Father who loves and cares for us. As Father Mark Mary Ames has said, “To entrust somebody to God’s fatherhood, that’s actually to do something.” To accept what we can and cannot do for someone, and to entrust them to the Lord is both a sign of genuine love and humility.
We should not underestimate the potential of a shared meal. Christ began our restoration and elevated us through the sharing of a meal, the Last Supper, and in the meal at Emmaus when the risen Jesus broke the bread “and their eyes were opened” (Luke 24:31) Likewise, our efforts to accompany others can also start with an invitation to eat together, loving our neighbors as good “bread-fellows,” spending quality time listening, sharing in the Christian life together through prayer, worship and friendship.
Editor’s note: If you don’t know where to start, please contact the Office of Marriage, Family & Life at 812-424-5536 or email Megan Knies at [email protected].
Nicholas Soellner is program manager for the Diocese of Evansville Office of Catechesis.