By Christina Capecchi
Twenty Something
I am a compliment-er by nature. Giving sincere, spontaneous compliments feels as comfortable to me as remarking on the weather — and brings me more joy.
In high school, friends would quote my catchphrase, “Way to be.” On my wedding day, I relished the chance to compliment guests on how nice they looked. If I’m thinking a favorable thought about the person I’m talking to, I almost always say it.
So the contemporary parenting advice to avoid excessive praise gave me pause.
What? Hold off on the “good job”? Dial back the compliments?
It felt counterintuitive.
I decided to dig deeper.
Sure enough, there is solid logic behind the advice. Excessive praise can make a child reliant on external validation versus intrinsic motivation. What seems to grease the wheels best is to emphasize effort, not outcome. Rather than compliment the perfect score on a spelling test, praise the decision to study every day. Instead of gushing over how realistic a drawing is, credit the amount of time it took to complete the background.
The former sparks panic. “Can I recreate this excellent drawing or was it a one-hit wonder?” The latter feels like something that can be replicated. “Yes, I can control how much time I spend shading in this sketch.”
I accepted this bit of advice. I still say, “It looks great!” But now I’m quick to shift the focus. “I love how you took your time on the grass.” Or, “You chose such interesting colors.”
It wasn’t until this month, when I read an article quoting a clinical psychologist on the topic of praise, that it finally clicked — and I began to see it in a new light.
Saying “good job” — my go-to two-syllable compliment — is a conversation ender, explained Dr. Becky Kennedy. It teaches kids to “gaze out” for acceptance rather than “gaze in” on the process they used to accomplish the feat. Over time, Dr. Kennedy said, it can lead to “fragile” and “anxious” kids.
Replacing a conversation-ending compliment with a conversation-starting question builds confidence, she said. “How did you come up with that topic?” “What was it like drawing that?” These questions encourage a child to gaze in and evaluate a process that was, hopefully, enjoyable in its own right — regardless of the outcome.
Dr. Kennedy’s final point resonated the most. She applied the approach to adults. Would you like your boss to simply say “good job” after a strong month of sales or would you prefer an open-ended question inquiring about what had worked well that month? Imagine visiting a friend’s house who just redecorated. “I love it! Good job!” initially sounds positive but ends the conversation. How much more fun would it be for your friend to hear: “I love it! How did you choose that paint color?” There’s likely a story about that paint color, and an open-ended question shakes it out in a way that a straightforward compliment never will.
Suddenly, a question like that, posed with genuine interest, struck me not only as an effective reporter’s tool but as an innately Catholic response.
As Catholics, we believe in the inherent dignity of each person. Everyone, all walks of life, made in the image and likeness of God. This is a bedrock belief.
What we do with that belief is the interesting part — where we can exercise creativity and boost confidence. How we can make a difference.
When we ask about someone’s process or uncover their thinking, we dignify them. We tell them they are worthwhile. We aren’t tossing out a quick compliment and moving on. We’re getting to know them better — and, perhaps, helping them recognize something in themselves.
Listening is indistinguishable from loving. It works with your child, your cashier, your great-aunt and your barista. A tilt of the head, a twinkle in the eye and a three-word request: “Tell me more.”
Christina Capecchi is a freelance writer from Inver Grove Heights, Minnesota.