By Valorie Dassel, LCSW, LCAC
Advice from Youth First
In the times of social media, we’ve probably all had the opportunity to watch an adult throw a temper tantrum in public and it get posted to various pages. Imagine if the people in those videos had the skills to calm themselves down before expressing a reaction. Imagine how different and more in control of themselves they’d feel if they were able to express their emotions in a healthy way. Imagine how much better and stronger their relationships could be if they possessed emotional regulation skills.
The benefits of having quality emotional regulation skills are boundless. On the surface, being able to regulate emotions allows a person to be able to identify their feelings and choose an appropriate reaction that will not result in negative consequences. As an adult and a parent being able to regulate my emotions helps me to be the calm in my child’s storm. It’s hard to help someone else regulate when you’re not regulated yourself. For children, having self-regulation skills will allow them to feel more confident, respond better to conflict and build healthier friendships.
Now we know why these skills are important, but how can I continue to better my self-regulation skills while also helping my child develop theirs? Luckily, there are a lot of skills that can be built at home. First, let’s note that not all emotional dysregulation looks like fit-throwing. According to Psych Central, it can also look like crying spells, binge eating, self-harm and poor frustration tolerance. When we notice these symptoms in ourselves or our children it is important to move in the direction of regaining control of the emotions and responding appropriately.
Becoming dysregulated is a limbic system reaction. Calming yourself with sensory input can be a great first step when feeling dysregulated. Ideas for sensory input include a tight hug, petting a pet, holding ice cubes and listening to calming music. Grounding techniques can also be very helpful in bringing a dysregulated person back to the present. Grounding techniques look like identifying things outside of you in the moment (five things you see, four things you hear, three things you feel or can touch, two things you smell and one thing you taste). Using all five senses can have a quick calming effect.
Learn how to identify the feeling. We tend to live in a world where we express ourselves as happy, mad or sad without paying a lot of attention to the rest of the emotions that can stir within us. Once the work has been done to calm the initial reaction, take time to acknowledge what the feeling really is. Maybe it is anger, or maybe it is frustration, jealousy, disappointment, fear.
Once calmed, and the feeling has been identified, the next step is to look at all the options available. What are healthy steps that can be taken to move through this moment? Identify the best course of action. If you’re helping your child manage these moments, you might also have to help them identify the natural consequences that could come with decisions they make.
These are things that be practiced and learned at home. If you have a child who is struggling with emotional regulation the best place to start is by ensuring you’re modeling healthy regulation skills yourself. It is always OK to seek professional assistance if you feel it is needed for you or your child.
Valorie Dassel, LCSW, LCAC, serves as a Youth First social worker at Evansville’s Mater Dei High School.