By Lisa Glahn, LSW
Youth First
As parents, we can never be perfect. We are imperfect people doing our best to grow and shape the minds of our little ones. So, as to be expected, there are times when we mess up whether that looks like shouting, slamming a door or even saying something hurtful to our child. We know that these mistakes will happen, so how do we repair the relationship after we have hurt our child?
The first step to rebuilding trust is honesty. Many adults struggle with being honest with their children because it feels so hard to be vulnerable with our children. We have been taught that we have to be strong and cannot show our emotions to our children, but that is simply not true. Our children benefit from seeing our real emotions and how we respond and cope with those emotions. Being honest with them not only models how to cope with emotions, but it also shows them they can trust you. In times of conflict with your child, be honest with them about how you are really feeling. When we refrain from sharing with our child, we leave them to make assumptions, which can make the conflict worse.
Practicing humility is another great skill to try and improve. When we can be humble and apologize for our mistakes with our children that speaks volumes with them. This is something we expect our children to do, so when they see us as adults also taking ownership of our mistakes and apologizing to them, it makes them feel heard and respected. When apologizing to your child, try to refrain from saying, “I’m sorry, but …” This sends the message that we are more worried about justifying our actions than we are about apologizing for the hurt we caused.
We want to remember to be consistent. We don’t want to just use these tools like a bag of tricks we pull out when we mess up. It’s important to be practicing these skills in our everyday interactions with our children. Then, when we inevitably do something wrong, we are more easily able to repair the relationship due to the solid foundation that has already been laid out. Of course, we know that sometimes our children make mistakes that hurt us as well. When this happens, be honest with them. Being honest in this way gives your child the opportunity to learn, grow and apologize to you as well. If your child is apologizing, try your best to not lay on the guilt and accept their apology.
All in all, we know relationships can be messy, but because we care deeply about these relationships, it is important to try to learn tools that will help you grow as a parent and in turn, help your child to grow too. If we can humble ourselves, engage in honest communication and be consistent with the skills we learn, I truly believe we can repair damaged relationships with our children. No child wants conflict with their parent, so as adults, we must step up and do our best to make repairs where we have made mistakes.
Lisa Glahn, LSW, serves as the Youth First Social Worker at Holy Cross School in Fort Branch, and St. James and Sts. Peter and Paul schools in Haubstadt. References used in this column include: “5 Ways Parents Can Rebuild Relationships with Their Teens,” by Eden Pontz; “7 Ways to Help Teens Learn from Mistakes,” by Eden Pontz; and “Repairing the Connection after Conflict with Your Child,” by Genevieve Simperingham.