By Kristine Schroeder
Lessons Learned
“The glory of God is the human being fully alive.” St. Irenaeus
John Foppe was born with no arms and seven congenital defects. At his birth, the attending physicians weren’t convinced he would live, but they were certain that if he survived, he would never walk. With the faith and love of his parents and many others, today John is a fully functioning human being.
The fourth of eight boys born to Ron and Carole Foppe, John graduated from Mater Dei High School … in Breese, Illinois. He went on to attain a Bachelor of Science in Communications and a Masters in Social Work from St. Louis University. Later he was awarded an honorary PhD in humanities and social services.
Married 20 years to Christine, they have one daughter Faith Teresa, a senior at Mater Dei. John is a counselor, author, film producer, international motivational speaker and currently the Executive Director of St. Vincent de Paul in St. Louis.
His story first came to my attention when a colleague shared John’s original film “Self-esteem.” I used it as a motivational tool for my junior high health class. The student’s looks of astonishment and disbelief as they watched John crack an egg or drive a car were priceless. Their complaints about homework, chores or typical expectations melted away when confronted with an armless young man who was living independently! His film was a source of much discussion and self-reflection.
John’s latest book “What’s Your Excuse?: Making the Most of What You Have” speaks directly to today’s society’s need for raising expectations both in ourselves and our children and reducing excuses if we aspire to raise a generation of resourceful, resilient future citizens.
John does not gloss over the difficulties of his early years for both him and his parents. In fact, he openly discusses how his anger and resentment as a young child created problems in the classroom and at home. He also speaks honestly about his parents’ initial struggles with accepting and raising a child with a condition, as he prefers to call it.
As John says, “I have a physical condition. I am not a physical condition.” In fact, he states that everyone has a condition whether it be physical, emotional, social or spiritual. The difference in our lives’ outcome lies in our approach of whether to resolve our limitations or resign ourselves to them.
In his book, John speaks of the day everything changed. Rushing home from school to ask if he could attend Camp Ondessonk in the summer, his mother’s answer was a firm, “No.” She explained that John had repeatedly refused to learn to dress himself or use the bathroom without help in spite of being shown alternatives. His parents determined tough love was necessary if John was to live a normal life.
He shares the painful story of screaming, crying and calling his mother names. However, he said, “Mom had the ability to look past the pain she might be causing me in the immediate moment … and focus on the freedom that she knew I would enjoy if I were physically independent.” He goes on to say, “I am forever grateful that she had the courage to endure the release of all my pain without giving an inch.”
John and his parents’ story has many lessons from which all parents can benefit. In today’s society, we are quick to make excuses or feel sorry for our children when in reality we need to raise our expectations. We often need to step aside and let them experience the hardships and consequences of life.
Mature love has been defined as wanting what is best for another person. While most parents wish their child to be resourceful, resilient and prepared to face life’s challenges, many waver when it comes to enforcing expectations. But, as John says in his book, “Tough love isn’t about power or control or manipulation. It is about doing what is ultimately best [for the future of the person].”
John’s book is a must read for parents and grandparents. As he states, “Without tough love we don’t develop the habits necessary to accomplish the things that are worth doing.” And, only then will we truly reflect the glory of God in our lives.
Kristine Schroeder and her husband Jim Schroeder are members of St. Boniface Parish. They have four grown children and 25 grandchildren.