By Maria Sermersheim
Meditatione Ignis
In the past several months, friends have discussed with me the politics of first saying “I love you” in their romantic relationships. Most of these friends have placed great import on the statement, and they consider it a milestone not to be taken lightly. The opposite view of my Costa Rican friend was refreshing, because I see it much as she does: Naturally, you love the person you are dating, and that should be assumed. Not that it should therefore go unspoken, but it should be much easier to say and less of a monumental moment. It need not be nerve-wracking or feared to be “too soon” because it is the articulation of a truth that is already evident in the relationship. Why would you date someone you do not love?
These conversations unveiled a deeper issue of the same subject that I had been considering for some time — the affection we allow ourselves to show our friends, or, more accurately, the affection we hide from them. By the same principle above, it seems that especially in American culture, we are hesitant to name or express love for people beyond our family circles. I confronted this inhibition poignantly the day my godson was born, when my friend invited me to visit her in the hospital. It was clearly an emotional, beautiful day, and I was honored beyond words to be admitted to see them that very day. I was inclined to express my affection and gratitude by giving Luísa a kiss on the cheek, and I did — but I distinctly remember battling habitual hesitations which told me that it would be weird and a little “too much.”
In reflecting on this moment and others like it, Paul’s exhortation to “greet one another with a holy kiss” catches my attention (Romans 16:16; 1 Corinthians 16:20; 2 Corinthians 13:12; 1 Thessalonians 5:26). Not only are Paul’s letters filled with exhortations about how we should love one another, even outdoing each other in love, but he also encourages displays of that affection in greetings with a “holy kiss.” I conclude, then, that to love well and to love widely is a Scriptural core of our faith — so it should be no surprising or difficult thing to say “I love you,” and a friendly kiss on the cheek should be normalized.
When it comes to loving friends or even significant others, we easily fall into the traps of fearing that our love is “too soon” or “too much.” But Jesus tells us that loving our neighbor is the second greatest commandment, second only to loving God — and we are also supposed to love our enemies. If we are Christians, supposedly endeavoring to love our enemies, what does it say about our relationships if we cannot even profess to love our friends? Paul tells us to outdo one another in love and to greet each other with a holy kiss. Do we see this overflowing Christian love in our communities? Beyond seeing it in our communities, do we see it in ourselves?