By Jenna Pauli, MSW, LCSW
Youth First
Healthy parent and child relationships can thrive when healthy boundaries are set. Boundaries are lines that help children understand the acceptable and desired behavior and communication between parents and children. These limits help children manage big emotions, understand what is expected of them and develop appropriate self-discipline and respect. When boundaries are in place, the child can gain independence while the parents feel respected and heard. Boundaries are not strict rules, but can provide structure as well as foster care, trust and support for parents and children alike.
There are several strategies for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with your child. These include consistency, communication, allowing your student to be involved, positive reinforcement, flexibility and modeling. These strategies ensure that the boundaries are less about control, and more about guidance and safety for parents and students alike.
Consistency of boundaries is important for children to know what to expect. When boundaries are not enforced regularly or they change often, children become frustrated and feel they cannot meet the desired expectation. By knowing what to expect consistently, children can rise to the expectations set and trust and safety are maintained.
When children know and understand boundaries and rules and why they are in place, they often do a better job at rising to the occasion. Have age-appropriate conversations with your child explaining what you need of them and what to expect before it happens. This can sound like “You may watch TV for 10 minutes before you need to go upstairs and brush your teeth for bed.” By communicating and keeping this expectation consistently, you limit the frustration and anger your child will experience.
Allowing your child to be involved when setting boundaries will give your child a sense of responsibility and mutual respect. This collaboration shows children that their opinion is valued, and they will be more likely to meet the boundaries set.
When your child consistently respects your boundaries, verbal praise and small rewards can be valuable in encouraging them to keep up their hard work. Saying things like, “You did a great job completing your homework before soccer practice. Thank you so much for your hard work!” Even adults appreciate being seen for their efforts, and your child will appreciate the respect you echo for their hard work.
While consistency with boundaries is important, boundaries do require some flexibility, specifically as your child grows and matures. Ensure that the set boundaries are adjusted based on your child’s developmental needs. For example, your child’s bedtime will be extended as they get older.
With anything, children learn by watching their parents. By modeling positive boundaries, such as respecting personal space, adhering to the rules of the home and managing emotions, parents can teach positive skills, a strong sense of responsibility and emotional security.
Setting boundaries is not always comfortable, but by engaging your child in the process, sticking to what you have set and communicating effectively, your house will soon run smoothly with each individual understanding what is expected of them.
Jenna Pauli, LCSW, serves as Youth First social worker at Good Shepherd Catholic School in Evansville.