By Maria Sermersheim
Sometimes, I find myself feeling slightly guilty for being better friends with people in different ways, especially in terms of calling and texting friends from school this summer. I see the great disparity between my frequency of contact with two very close friends, and it vexes me a little because I don’t want one to think I love her any less than the other; we simply stay in touch differently. There’s no exclusion, I never decide against calling her. I just decide to call the other more often.
Considering this quandary, I recalled my article about conducting ourselves with the purity of love no matter the depth of relationship. This is a more confusing predicament for me, though, because I am showing love very differently between similarly close friends. Then I realized that I am dealing with what C.S. Lewis called “the scandal of particularity.”
In podcast number 25 of “Catholic Stuff You Should Know,” titled “Election, Vocation, and Mission,” now-Father John Nepil explored the idea of particular love. We see it in Jesus’ ministry as he chooses just 12 disciples, brings only three to witness his Transfiguration and calls John his beloved disciple.
Father John said, “When you love someone, you love them distinctly and uniquely. And God’s love for us is always particular . . . . God loves me in a specific way and desires to give himself to me totally unique in any way, shape or form, and it’s different than any other person who’s ever existed.” This is the election mentioned in the podcast-episode title, the sense of being chosen, and it is foundational for our understanding of the human person and the trajectory of our lives.
Indeed, “we love because he first loved us” (1 Jn 4:19), and Father John continues, “this problem of the scandal of particularity actually affects vocation.” When we experience the particular love of God for us, we can see more clearly how we are called to give ourselves for others, whether discerning the sacramental vocations or our everyday vocation to holiness. Then, our mission is to give others a sense of their election, so they can delve more fully into their vocations. Father John explained, “We can be particular in our love because the Church is universal.” Everyone should experience this particularity if we all embrace the calling to be true Christians.
Pope St. John Paul II wrote (specifically about men in relationship, but I still think it applies), “Uniqueness is not a limitation, but a window into the depths. Perhaps God wills that it be you who is the one who tells her of her inestimable worth and special beauty. If that is the case, do not be afraid of your predilection. Loving predilection is, or at least can be, participation in that eternal predilection which God had in man whom he had created.”
How can I justify buying a book for one friend just because it reminded me of him when I saw it and not buy a book for every other friend to make it even? If I am compelled to write a special note to one friend, must I track down some stationery for another 10? We all seek equality and fairness; we want justice — but justice is more nuanced than flat-rate equality. Jesus only chose three to accompany him to his Transfiguration, and he spent hours talking to one woman at a well. Let’s not be afraid to shower our love on friends and family as the Spirit moves us. It is truly right and just to love others as God does — particularly.