BY ABBY AND KEVIN LASHER
Special to The Message
Editor’s note: Abby and Kevin Lasher, members of St. John the Evangelist Parish in Daylight, recently talked about their journey involving Natural Family Planning. We are grateful to them for sharing their journey through this Q&A feature.
When/ how did you come to an awareness of NFP/openness to life, and how did it become a part of your desire within marriage?
Abby: My mother left the Catholic Church because of her stance on birth control. I was raised agnostic and converted to Catholicism as a freshman at Purdue University, at age 18. It wasn’t until becoming Catholic that I learned about NFP, and what a shame that was. NFP could have radically changed my teenaged years. My mom always knew something was wrong with me when I reached adolescence. My cycles were sporadic, like once a year maybe – and excruciating. My acne was horrible and never completely went away. She tried her hardest to convince me that if I’d just go on the pill, all of my problems could be solved. It felt wrong to me (then) that popping a pill laced with artificial hormones would mysteriously “solve all of my problems.” Typically, when we have negative symptoms associated with a functioning organ, we run tests; we wonder why these symptoms are rearing their heads and what could be an underlying cause. Why is the female reproductive system the only bodily system in which there exists a single pill to solve all of the possible diseases? As a 16-year-old, I was surprisingly aware of all of this and refused the birth control pill. The doctors my mother took me to were unable to help me unless I took the pill. No scans or labs were ever done; I was just simply offered “the very best solution.” I turned it down – and just dealt with my broken body.
As a college student converting to the faith, I first heard of NFP through Susan Hoefer of the Lafayette Diocese, in a talk on authentic women’s healthcare, and it broke me. Where was this NFP all my life?! Why was it not taught in public school?! Why, in secular research and medical schools, in secular hospitals, is NFP mocked and ridiculed, and women are continually prescribed the magic drug that cures all female diseases rather than given the power to observe, chart, find patterns, learn symptoms and pinpoint wherein their problems lie? Is this single pill giving such power to women? Where are the feminists when you need them? The heartache it could have saved me, the answers it could have given me (as well as many of my friends!) as a young girl, scared and confused about why my body just wasn’t working. It wasn’t until much later in life, with my own career and health insurance, that I was able to seek proper help. The Creighton Model of NFP has a medical arm called Natural Procreative Technology (colloquially NaPro Technology). Medical doctors trained in this science use various methods of NFP to help diagnose and cure underlying hormonal irregularities and reproductive diseases for both men and women. I have been accompanied by a few different NaPro doctors over the years; and using my NFP charts, they were able to shine a light on my reproductive health that used to be so scary and dark. I now am a very annoying patient to these doctors when I come in with my charts; I have learned so much about the signs and symptoms to look for, that I tell them what is going on with me and what we need to check for! Now, that’s empowerment!
Kevin: Having a willingness to be open to life and becoming aware of NFP came at different stages in my life. Being the fifth of 11 children, my upbringing and that of my siblings was a continual recognition of the beauty of being open to life in marriage; the acceptance of the fruits, blessings, and even struggles that came along with it; and the fact that God always provides. It wasn't until high school/college/marriage preparation that I grew in knowledge of NFP, but I was amazed to find that the openness to life that was first modeled to me by my parents was vital for practicing NFP whole-heartedly in my own marriage.
How have the Church's teachings on marriage and openness to life appealed to you over time?
Kevin: The Church's teachings on marriage and sexuality grew in appeal mainly in the course of our marriage. Theoretical teachings and principles that I had only heard most of my life suddenly had a lot more meaning and credibility once we were able to put them into practice as man and wife, and witness the good fruit they bore.
What have been the biggest benefits to practicing NFP?
Abby: As a woman, using the Marquette Method of NFP in particular, I know what is going on with my reproductive health every single day. It’s almost scary how much information I have on myself. I know exactly when my period is going to start; no more surprises! I know exactly why I’m having certain symptoms, either for ovulation or other hormonal shifts. The knowledge I have of my body is so freeing. As a teenager, I didn't know anything that was going on and mostly avoided thinking about it too much since the unknown was so frightening to me. This knowledge I have now helps me understand how my body works and what to expect.
As a couple, NFP offers the opportunity for radical vulnerability. To open yourself to another person and, in action, say “I love you so much that I want to make another of you. I want my life to be intimately bound to your life for the rest of my days” – this is the most vulnerable gift you can give to a person! Because creating a child with someone radically binds you to them, even legally speaking, regardless of whether you want to be. If my husband and I were to use contraception, we would be saying, “I don’t want any more of you in the world; one of you is already enough! I would rather not be bound to you anymore than I already am!” – and thus, shutting the door to that vulnerability. With NFP, each marital act is an act of radical love and vulnerability.
Kevin: I have found that the biggest benefit of practicing NFP is the ability to respond to God's call for our marriage and our family with more intentionality. Practicing NFP well ultimately calls the couple into a continual discernment with God as to whether they are being called to bear children. It is through this discernment and prayer that we are able to freely choose how to make our sexuality a gift – and to do so with sincerity, reverence and confidence. In this way, NFP not only brings us into a greater relationship with each other and our Lord, but also prepares us to answer his call together, wherever that may lead.
What are the biggest challenges?
Abby: In addition to radical vulnerability in marriage, NFP offers the opportunity for radical vulnerability towards God. After my miscarriage, a friend of mine, who had lost five babies to miscarriage, offered me these striking words: “Openness to life is also openness to death.” There are a lot of challenges I could talk about with NFP – the abstinence when you don’t want to abstain; the burden of charting. But I would like to discuss not only our openness to life as Catholics, but openness to death as well. If now does not seem the right time for you to have children, but you “risk it” and have intercourse on a fertile day ending with a positive pregnancy test, that is a massive challenge that I know many of my friends face with NFP. That is vulnerability towards God: “Not my will, but yours be done” are the words of our Lord. I had a few pregnancy “scares” myself and cried for 48 hours awaiting results – knowing it just “wasn’t the right time.” Yet, Christ asks this of his faithful married couples, to use NFP and not contraception. He is asking for us to be radically vulnerable with him, to let him dictate our future rather than us controlling every detail of our lives! Those men and women who have accepted children lovingly from our Lord, especially when they “didn’t plan to,” lay down their lives for one another. Funny enough – most of the people in my life who are pregnant right now got pregnant while properly using contraception. It seems that none of us really have any control at all!
But for me personally, the greatest challenge to openness to life has been the cross of openness to losing a baby and never knowing if or when a baby will come. Openness to life doesn’t mean I get all the babies I want; openness to life also doesn’t mean I get only the babies I want (contraceptive mentally). It means I get only those who the Lord gives to me and who he doesn’t will to take back to himself. And that has been the most painful teaching of all – yet a necessary part of my sanctification as a married person. I know Christ is asking this of me; and to become the saint I’m made to be, I also must pray, “not my will, but yours be done.”
Kevin: Similar to the whole of Christian life, the biggest challenge with NFP is continually asking what God's will is for your marriage and conforming your life to it together as a couple. Honest discernment can be frustrating and confusing at times – even though we are given many faculties with which to know God's will, such as prayer, His very word, and our intellect; but choosing to consistently submit your lives to His will is always easier said than done.
What have been the unexpected surprises or blessings along the way?
Kevin: One would think that NFP would eliminate surprises; but amazingly, that is not the case. My wife and I were amazed when we found out that we were pregnant with our daughter Anne after many months of trying to achieve pregnancy. What we soon realized, through NFP charting, was that it happened at one of the most improbable times of our marriage. It just goes to show that, while we can and should do everything in our power to do His will, we are co-creators. We must remember that God is ultimately the author of life, not us.
How would you share this teaching of our Church to those who are most skeptical or indifferent to it?
Abby: For someone who is skeptical of the Church’s wisdom on NFP and contraception, I would just ask them to take an honest look at the science. Who is paying for these studies on birth control? Ultimately, to my mom and others like her who depart from the Church at this crucial point, I would ask, are you happy? Is your marriage truly fulfilled? Not that my marriage is perfect; but I wonder sometimes what pain would come in our marriage if we put up such a wall (“absolutely no more kids, no matter what the cost!”). Children are tough; life is absolutely tough; and if you need to use NFP to abstain, I totally get that. I’ve been there. But maybe we are supposed to be broken open; maybe that’s where God wants to do the deepest work of sanctification in us, in the chaos of being open to life.
When I first came to the Church and learned about NFP, I thought, maybe I’ll have 4-ish kids and use NFP to avoid pregnancy otherwise. When I met my husband, who is one of 11 kids, I asked him, as he often gets asked, do you want 11 kids, too?! His response, well before we ever dated, shook me to my core: “If I said anything less than 11, one of my siblings wouldn’t be here.” I never had an ideal number of children in my mind after that. What a profound truth!
I’m not saying everyone has to have 11 kids. We have definitely had our share of months where we discerned it was not prudent to get pregnant. I’m saying when you discern every month, you’re not discerning a what but a who, an eternal person who will change the world by their very existence.
Kevin: NFP is a science-based tool that allows a couple to plan their family in a way that is most in tune with our human nature. I would simply say, give it a chance and honestly compare it to the alternatives offered.
What are you most grateful for when it comes to NFP?
Kevin: I am most grateful for my daughter Anne, who is only here today because of God's will, our love and NFP.