By DR. PETER ROSARIO
CATHOLIC HEALTHCARE
Roger Scruton, a writer and philosopher, penned an essay, “The Work of Mourning,” in which he states, “.…mourning is a therapy that points toward survival.”
Sigmund Freud thought mourning was necessary in order to have a new life and avoid a listless state he called melancholia or willed hopelessness.
Let me give an example of what surviving for a new life may mean. Shortly after I entered medical practice, a very pleasant middle-aged lady sought evaluation and treatment with what she thought was asthma. However, the examination and laboratory testing did not confirm asthma.
Her history noted a teenage son had died several years previously in an automobile accident. It was only around the anniversary of this son’s death that she developed her breathing problems. She volunteered that her son’s room was untouched, being exactly as it was on the day he died.
She had never truly accepted his death and mourned her loss. Once she worked through an authentic period of mourning, her asthma never returned. This story underlines the importance of mourning, which helps to overcome the trauma of the loss of a loved one, bringing new life and health.
Mourning, however, may be quite difficult. Often emanating from the trauma of loss is blame. The mourner may take on blame for surviving, and place blame on the one who died for dying. Does my surviving present a burden? Is there anger over new unexpected or unwanted responsibilities resulting from the death of a loved one? One can imagine the excessive struggle with blame toward the deceased in the case of death by suicide.
Guilt is another entity complicating the process of mourning. The trauma associated with abortions may not be felt in the immediate first five years; but 20 or more year later, guilt can become a major obstacle to wholesome mental health. How difficult it may be to overcome guilt and resentment when the deceased held a poor relationship with the mourner in their lifetime.
Mourning may take years to complete. For a young child who loses a parent, every stage in that child’s development into adulthood may require a period of mourning.
Here are two aids to help in the mourning process: forgiveness and religion.
The mourner must offer forgiveness and seek forgiveness. Offer forgiveness to the deceased for dying. Through “dialogue,” seek forgiveness from the deceased for resentment or guilt such as believing the death was somehow a punishment intended for the bereaved individual. What is needed is empathy that erases blame, guilt and resentment.
The need for religion comes through the wisdom of Holy Mother Church offering the funeral Mass with its rites and rituals. We have God’s Grace which comes through the sacraments, Holy Communion and Reconciliation, and the Church – the community of believers – to ease the burdens experienced in mourning. One can develop a hardness of heart and unhappiness without this support.
A hardness of heart can produce feelings of nihilism toward mourning; nothing to concern ourselves with. In the words of Roger Scruton, “The loss of religion … is the loss of loss.” Put another way, one loses the ability to handle loss.
Loss is not confined to death. It may encompass loss of a job, loss of physical ability or cognitive function, or loss of connection with family members or friends. These losses also need a period of mourning. Loss builds inner strength if offered as a spiritual sacrifice to place before God.
Our Catholic faith plays a very important part to help bear the losses, offer hope and eliminate guilt. Mourning is necessary, but it requires work. The effort will bear fruit. With the help of the Church, through its sacraments and its community of people, those who mourn shall be comforted. Survival into a new life awaits.
Dr. Rosario is a member of the Southwestern Indiana Guild of the Catholic Medical Association.